How to handle bullying in self defense

Bullying is a very common problem and can leave devastating effects on the victim. If you are the victim of bullying then you are not alone. There are various forms of bullying and many people who suffer because of it. Hopefully, this self defense guide will help you deal with bullying with helpful resources and tips.

* Realize it's not your fault - The first step to dealing with bullying is that it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you that made you deserve to be bullied. Bullies tend to pick on those whom they suspect won't fight back because they are projecting their own insecurities. 

* Don't internalize bullying - Everything that a bully says or does to you says isn't about you. It's a bully acting out his or her internal issues. You might not be able to change your bully's behavior but you can change the way you respond to it. Don't take it personal. Focus on responding with a positive approach instead of delving in self-hate and negativity.         

* Use verbal assertiveness - Being verbally assertive can be a powerful method to getting a bully to stop his or her behavior. There's a huge difference between intimidation and being assertive. Intimidation involves verbal abuse and aggression while assertiveness involves confidently projecting your own viewpoint. Assertiveness demonstrates confidence whereas intimidation does not. Being assertive means standing up for yourself without being aggressive. Demand with confidence and a loud voice words such as "stop!" or "no!" when confronted by a bully.    

* Use non-complementary behavior - The bully will likely use verbal insults, teasing, taunts, mockery, intimidation, etc. to get you to react either in fear or submission. Don't give the bully what he or she wants. Learn how to project confidence in your body language and tone of voice without being submissive or aggressive. Show the bully that you are unaffected by him or her. Engage in behavior that your bully won't expect. 

* Use genuine empathy and listening skills - Be empathetic and express understanding. Chances are the bully is trying to communicate to you in an unhealthy manner. If you want to learn more on how to do that, check out my post "Psychological defense against violent intimidation" (http://everythingselfdefense.blogspot.com/2017/01/psychological-defense-against-violent.html), "how to defuse a fight before it starts in self defense.." (http://everythingselfdefense.blogspot.com/2017/04/how-to-defuse-fight-before-it-starts-in.html), and "how to defend yourself against verbal insults" (http://everythingselfdefense.blogspot.com/2017/01/how-to-defend-yourself-against-insults.html). Practice these skills in the face of verbal abuse from your bully. Don't however make it your responsibility to "save" the bully as your efforts will likely fail because the bully will not want help.  

* Don't engage in violence - Some people like to resolve bullying by engaging in fights after years of verbal abuse. This is often the wrong response. When you are being verbally abused, you should already use verbal self defense to respond then and there. You should not let negative emotions build up until the last minute or you may end up expressing them violently. The consequences of fighting include school suspension or getting beaten by a bully who may be more violent than you. The bully may have weapons or come back with multiple attackers. Violence should be your only last resort when you are being attacked. 

* Get support - Get friends, family, and trusted adults to help you. Never travel alone where you are put one on one with a bully. Having a good support system will give you confidence in dealing with bullying. Bullies hate it when someone has a support system because they tend to target those who are isolated from others. Once you get others involved, the bully will lose power and may leave you alone. Report the bullying to the authorities. 

* Use physical self defense as a last resort - If the bully decides he or she is going to attack you no matter what, you'll need to defend yourself physically. You'll need to be good at reading hostile body language and see an attack coming before you land a knock out hit. If you want to learn more, read "how to end street fights FAST" (http://everythingselfdefense.blogspot.com/2017/01/how-to-end-street-fights-fast.html) and "how to fight multiple opponents" (http://everythingselfdefense.blogspot.com/2016/12/how-to-fight-multiple-opponents.html). Remember to use the environment to your advantage.            

* Practice self love - Probably one of the most powerful principles in dealing with bullying is engaging in self love. Remind yourself everyday of your strengths and love your imperfections. Bullies will try to change the way you view yourself. If you practice loving yourself on a daily basis, you remove the bully's power and gain confidence in yourself.  

If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to my blog for updates, more advice, and exclusive content in the near future. I'm proud and excited to offer a FREE sample chapter of my E-book "Jeet Kune Do: How to build your own fighting system for self defense!" It's essentially a step-by-step guide on how to make your own self defense system suited to fit your own needs using Jeet Kune Do. If you would love to receive your FREE chapter of my e-book, click on the link below and share a post via. social media then it's yours for FREE! Be sure to also fill out the survey on the right and provide feedback on my blog. Leave questions, comments, and suggestions below.

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Psychological defense against violent intimidation

An effective and often neglected method of avoiding conflict is psychologically defending yourself against an intimidating person. Many self defense and martial arts schools teach that when faced with someone intimidating you, you should be ready to respond physically. They don't teach you how to deal with the psychological aspect. Physical self defense should be your last resort. This guide will give you insights into how to diffuse a potentially violent situation from an intimidating and violent individual. Down below, i've posted a helpful link to deal with intimidation.

I will create the following scenario and i want you to think about your responses. Imagine an abnormally large menacing muscular man approaches you at a bus stop or in a park and let's assume that you practice self defense. Imagine you both engage in the following dialogue:

Man : "..don't you practice self defense in X school?"

You: "..yea i do.."

The man then aggressively gets in your face and says in a more challenging tone of voice.

Man: "..well i think your a fraud...i think what your learning is garbage and it's what's gonna get you killed...you know i just got out of prison and i've beaten guys like you to a pulp...what's to stop me from crushing your skull in and having your blood flowing all over this ground right now?!? Think you can take me on?!? I will destroy you fool!"

Here are the some of the common mistakes people make.

1. Get defensive - When people are insulted or verbally attacked in any way, their response is to defend themselves. You may respond by insulting your offender back or justifying yourself in the face of accusations ex. being a fraud. Once you get defensive, you give your offender power over you because he/she knows your weaknesses. All your offender has to do is keep pressuring you until a fight breaks out because you are validating his or her judgement on you.

2. Not taking what your intimidator says seriously - Some people may laugh it off and say "yea man i don't buy it..." Your offender may say something like "oh you think this is a joke?!?" then start attacking you. This is bad because if your offender threatened you and there's some credibility to the threat, your verbal attacker may try to communicate violently that he or she means serious business. You should always take threats seriously.

3. Avoidance - Some people will shut down and try to psychologically avoid the situation by saying something like "i don't want any trouble." The person intimidating you may respond with "well trouble found you. Why don't you man up and deal with it?!?" Once you are in this particular situation, it's unavoidable unless there was a way of escape. If you try to back up without first disengaging psychologically, you give your offender power over you and he or she may end up attacking you.

If you don't respond with violence, the person intimidating you may try to keep pushing your buttons and finding out your weaknesses by saying something along the lines of:

"...what if i ended up hurting your loved ones, would you fight me then? I just threatened your loved ones and you won't do anything about it..your pathetic! Your a coward! Your a joke!"

If you've snapped out of fear for your loved ones safety then you've already given what your intimidators want and that is violence. If you suddenly freeze in fear, that's bad because you could get hit at any moment and not be prepared to respond.

What's the best way to diffuse the situation without resorting to violence?

* Know your enemy - According to behavioral theorists, people who resort to intimidation do so out of fear. It's fear of your race, your skills, your gender, your orientation, or some aspect of you that makes them feel inferior. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they've been intimidated by authority so their way of coping is by intimidating others and believing that the only way to survive is to intimidate. Think about this. Why would someone who is truly secure in his or her knowledge seek to intimidate someone who is seen as weaker than him or her? Only someone who seeks to prove something to him or her self would go out of the way to intimidate you. Behind whatever image the person intimidating you puts up, there are hidden vulnerabilities.

* Keep your distance - Keep your enemy in your vision. Last thing you want is someone sneaking up behind you and hitting you with a weapon before you get jumped. Don't allow yourself to get too close.

* Focus on your body language - Show no aggression or any emotion. Keep a calm composure. Focus on breathing. Let the person intimidating you that his or her methods won't work on you. Don't look him or her in the eyes. Your focus should be on his or her body so you'll be able to respond quicker in case of an attack.

* Emphasize with your enemy - Learn to see the inner child of the person intimidating you. He or she may scream, destroy objects, and do many things to instill fear in you but there's a hidden message being communicated. Maybe he/she has never been acknowledged as a child or bullied. Either way, try to put yourself in that person's shoes. Show empathy by thinking "it must not be easy to come from a place where you had to compete to show dominance...it must not be easy living in an environment where you have to resort to violence to communicate your feelings" By showing compassion, you will become less afraid and less stressed out as you will begin to see the human side of your potential attacker.

* Don't assume the victim role - Resist the urge to fall into the victim mentality where you feel you are powerless to do anything in these types of situations. Change the way you view yourself and learn to see yourself as a problem solver. If you see yourself as a victim, you may end up blaming yourself for not fighting back afterwards.

* Focus on yourself, not on your enemy - Your intimidator will shift the focus from you to him/her and how "tough" he/she is ex. "..i just got out of prison and i've beaten guys like you to a pulp!" When you focus on your enemy, that's what creates fear. When you are facing an intimidator, keep the focus on yourself and what you've accomplished. Focus on your abilities and be confident in who you are.

* Communicate with your verbal attacker - Rather than assume everything he or she says is wrong, validate his or her words. That is, learn to see your attacker as a partner rather than a threat. Get your offender to express his or her feelings in a constructive way to get a different reaction. For example, you might ask something along the lines of:

Man: "..well i think what your learning is garbage, i think your fraud!"

You: "...thanks for your honesty, what makes you think i'm a fraud?"

This will cause the person intimidating you to process your question and think of an answer thus diffusing the situation to some degree. Continue to ask probing questions to get to the root of what the intimidating person really wants from you.

* Know your strengths and improve your weaknesses - In order for you to withstand psychological pressure and keep from losing self control, you must know yourself. What are your weaknesses? If your attacker points them out to make you feel inferior, realize how valuable your strengths are and how you are trying your best. For example, if you are insecure about your striking ability then focus on other areas which you excel at and stress their importance.

* Diversion - Shift the focus away from yourself to other topics like the sun or the police to distract the initmidator from channeling his or her energy on you. For instance when the man in the scenario above instigates a fight, you could say "by the way, there's other people staring at us.."

* Assertively set consequences - If your intimidator persists in violating your boundaries and gets physical with you, set proper consequences. Make the consequences non-aggressive but also non-submissive. For example, if he or she persists on violating your physical boundaries then you might say something along the lines of "If you don't stop, i'm going to have to call the police. Is that what you want?" This may quickly turn from violation to respect for not backing down.

During training, practice these techniques with a partner or in mental rehearsals. Go through my scenario again and see how it's different from your prior response. Remember that someone who intimidates you is acting out of inner misery. Hopefully your offender will back away after he/she realizes you aren't intimidated or you'll have an opportunity to walk away from the situation when the opportunity presents itself.

If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to my blog for updates, more advice, and exclusive content in the near future. I'm proud and excited to offer a FREE sample chapter of my E-book "Jeet Kune Do: How to build your own fighting system for self defense!" It's essentially a step-by-step guide on how to make your own self defense system suited to fit your own needs using Jeet Kune Do. If you would love to receive your FREE chapter of my e-book, click on the link below and share a post via. social media then it's yours for FREE! Be sure to also fill out the survey on the right and provide feedback on my blog. Leave questions, comments, and suggestions below.

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